Work In Progress

Lily of the Valley

2007-04-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

Could it be last summer I worked on this!? It is almost summer again and I picked it up. Yay.
It looks better in person.

Lily of the Valley by Drawn Thread - soon to be displayed as finished.

I put a card on the back of my framed work that gives the name of the work with the date for the record.

Jasmine & Evan

2007-04-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

Jasmine in front - Evan in back at 3.5 months old. Weighing 3 lbs.

I'm Finally Back

2007-04-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

I was in a fog for awhile and now I feel great. It took some adjustment with my meds to get to the "right" place mentally. You just don't know how bad off you've become until you try to recover what you've lost. But it was well worth it.

I have a good relationship with my daughters now and talk to them on the cell phone as they are long distance. I had to get a cell phone first - now I am part of the "that" world.

With the cell phone - I got in touch with my long lost sister and am talking to her after 50 years. She was adopted out 50 years ago and now I am slowly getting to know her!

I am "friends" with my exhusband. More for my daughters - not me.

I got two new kittens - persian. Named Jasmine and Evan. They are so affectionate!! They look alike so I am including one photo.

I haven't been stitching much lately but promise to post when I do.

I'm Back

2006-10-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

You probably thought I wasn't coming back!

So this is what "normal" feels like!! Once you stop hitting your head against the wall - it feels so good. I realize I haven't felt like this for a long time. It's kind of like your eyesight. It can slowly deteriorate and you adjust to the changes and don't notice how bad it has become until until you have your eyesight checked.

One point for anyone having to interact with someone depressed. They are using a lot of energy just holding it together. They may say or do things that appear out of character and aggressive or testy. It is just the depression speaking from an overloaded stressed person. Take it with a huge serving of patience.

I have decided to take up my beloved cross stitch again. Now you KNOW things are back to normal for me! I'll work on the project I left off with. The Christmas Crystal Chatelaine.

Getting Better

2006-09-21T20:05:00.000-07:00

I want to thank all those generous hearts who have encouraged me through this time. It strengthens my belief that there are good souls in the world. I have taken my antidepressant pills for 2 days now. I know it's still early but I can feel a difference. My counselor says it's because I am actively doing something about my life to make it better. Just taking action can improve things dramatically. The pills I am on are calming. Makes me wish I had taken them earlier rather than tough it out. It's like those who don't take a painkiller and try to tough it out. You heal faster when you're not expending energy to fight pain, physical or psychological. I just hope my boss can lay off harrassing me enough to give it time to work. He took the day off yesterday to go the the state fair. It was a blessing.

In a couple days, Seattle will be displaying the Dead Sea Scrolls! I can hardly wait. They will be here until Jan 7 so I plan to read up on it before hand.

Things are getting better

2006-09-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

I have been seeing my counselor once a week. Have any of you experienced an emotional drain after seeing a counselor? I know this is supposed to be good for me but after I have seen my counselor, that evening I feel so sad and drained. This last time I felt I couldn't return to work and wanted to withdraw - hide some place and comfort myself. But I forced myself to go back to work and that was a mistake. I was so drained that the next day I was exhausted. Someone stopped me in my condo parking lot while I was walking to the bus stop in the morning. This woman in a car stopped and asked me if I was alright. She said I looked so tired. She wanted to give me a ride to where ever I was going. When I told her where I worked, she backed down and said she wasn't going THAT far. My girl friend at work wanted me to come over Saturday, I had to beg off, I was too tired. This morning, I called into work and said that I wasn't coming in today. I wasn't asked a reason. Tomorrow I go to see the doctor who will put me on antidepressants. All these appts away from work is probably making my boss mad but it has to be done.

Such good friends

2006-09-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

My, there are such good friends on the blogs!! Such encouragement and good cheer! Thank you - all of you for the birthday greetings.

My girl friend and her mother took me out for lunch from work. They also gave me a bouquet of roses! It made the day special for me.

My daughters did not acknowledge my birthday. All those special parties I made for them as they grew up! I made sure their birthday was special for them.

Thank You

2006-09-05T12:49:00.000-07:00

It is so wonderful that there are people out there that care and said very kind encouraging words. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. My doctor asked me if I could paint a picture of my depression what it feels like.

I told her it is like being in the bottom of a dark well and looking at a small circle of light so far away. Feeling totally helpless to help yourself in this dark small world and cut off from all who love you.

It is my birthday on Friday. Last year I felt hopeful as one of my twin daughters had asked me out for dinner for my birthday. After I waited a half hour past the time she was supposed to come to my place, she called me to tell me that she couldn't make it because she had to take back a pair of shoes and couldn't do that and take me out in the same night as it would be too late to get back to the kids. Since they ignored me at Christmas and Mother's Day since then, I don't expect anything is going to happen this year.

First Day

2006-09-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

I realized when I couldn't cross stitch, that I was depressed. I have found that you can't fight depression. You can only hide from the world what you are feeling. You paste a smile on your face and hope that the people around you think you're okay. When the stress of a falling out with loved ones or an unhappy situation at the workplace takes place, you find that you can't "keep all your ducks in a row" or for those unfamiliar with that saying; you find you can't keep your world stable. You find that getting out of bed each morning is a HUGE effort and going through the same routine is so boring without any sunshine. You lose your taste for life. I can see how some depressed individuals stop eating and crawl in a hole. So I went to a therapist! She told me that I was clinically depressed and that I need to keep working so that I don't withdraw. She is right. My friends at work force me to smile and relate to them. I'm going to see a movie tomorrow with my best friend. I haven't told her that I am depressed but she knows that something is not right with me. Next week I am going to see a doctor to get medically assessed for antidepressants. Yes, I know some people don't think pills are the answer, but they help you while your body using serotonin properly. I know it is an inherited syndrome and my brother, sister and father suffer from depression off and on. The way the doctors explain it is - it is like a low immunity system and you get a fever when exposed to viruses. When you body has a low function serotonin system, you get depressed when exposed to emotionally stressful events. Hey, why not, I have a low insulin system. So another system goes on the brink.

I'm coasting...

2006-08-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

Not much to report. I haven't worked on my cross stitch lately. When I get home from work, I'm too drained to do anything but vegetate. I think I'm on the edge of depression and I'm trying to fight it. Depression won't get me anywhere at this point. I'm really really scared about my next step. I'm sure my management at work is waiting for me to type up my resignation. Until then everyone is pretending that things are normal - not friendly but polite. I'm waiting for my birthday. It makes a difference to my social security. I asked the company that handles my pension about my retirement funds and they said it doesn't matter after I'm vested with the company how I leave. It's based on how much I earned when I left. My my.

What got me anxious is: I thought I had a nice place to go to when I retire. My stepmother said I could move in and I could afford that. But now I don't know. She isn't taking care of the place and this week she told me that the place is infested with fleas from her dog and cat. She has an attention span of 5 minutes and can't remember how to rid the place of the fleas. I'm all up in arms about that. Plus I would have to get rid of about 90% of my belongings to fit in her house. I've thought of buying a mobile home. The thought of packing moving and preparing my condo for sale. Going through the sale just crushes me.

Work is impossible

2006-08-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

I have come to the point where I can say that I can't deal with the manager at my work. He did a performance review today that covered 1/2005 to 6/2006 - He had recorded every error he could find with my work right down to the wrong date on a letter and errors that my coworker had done was blamed on me. He rated my work lower than last year!! I told him that he was trying to push me out the door and that he had succeeded because I wasn't going to take his harrassment anymore. He told me to put it in writing. I told him when I was good and ready! I told him what I thought of him, how he had given me a bad time from day one and that after twenty years with the company, it was odd that someone would suddenly find I wasn't doing my job!! I have lost all interest in working there. I've put two decades of loyalty into that job and am treated like low life. It was a weight off my shoulders to finally say I wasn't sticking around. I should have quit 3 years ago when he took over my manager's job when she retired! This means a lot of changes in my life. I will have to cut back on the ISP I currently have. (Internet Service Provider) I will have to cancel alot of luxuries I have become used to. One has to do what one has to do. I don't care if my work can read this. What are they going to do - fire me??

New blog Header

2006-07-29T00:46:00.000-07:00

I wanted a change so I put Mt. Rainier as my blog header. With the violence in Seattle today, I'm not in the mood for much. I was really scared. One minute I was on a bus and the next minute the driver said he wasn't going any further. I started listening to my radio with TV stations and found out that just ahead a sniper was shooting people. Five women shot and one dead. FBI, fire engines, police with assault rifles everywhere. I'm try to sneak through the mess without getting shot so I can go where the bus has been rerouted to get home. I didn't get home until 7pm. Such a sad day in Seattle.

All Cross Stitch

2006-07-20T16:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend, the temperature is supposed to get up in the 90s. I don't like that kind of weather. I've read some people like it hot, but I'm not one of them. I will be spending my whole weekend indoors working on cross stitch. It will be all about cross stitch this weekend. Maybe-- I can post some finishes?!! I'm working on the Angels on my Christmas Crystals. I love this design. I think I will hang it up for all year round. I like angel pictures and sparkleys. I just have one more band on Lily of the Valley. I noticed someone has that design for sale on Ebay. I put a "watch" on it to see how much it sells for.

Christmas Crystals

2006-07-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I am so addicted to Christmas Crystals. I am as far as the blue ribbons. I am working on the darker blue of the ribbons. I have already been visited by the frog. I had to remove
half of one ribbon. It's hard to keep track of the stitches with the dark blue on black and HALF stitches. I could do without the half stitches!!

Von: I have washed my LOTV and will be posting a photo soon.
I'm down to the last quarter of the sampler. When I'm done, I will start in on Patricia Ann's Secret Garden.

Lily of the Valley

2006-07-12T13:29:00.000-07:00

It's cooled down considerably here. Phew! I even saw a few raindrops coming into work this morning. I am such a fickle person when it comes to cross stitch. I was plugging away on my Lily of the Valley sampler and was close to finishing when I started Martina Weber's Christmas Crystals for work breaks. I have fallen in love with the sparkle and stitches. It has rice stitch in the center border and Rhodes stitch in various places. But the crystals and metallic thread is goregous! I just can't leave it at work! I'm just about ready to stitch the angels. My favorite color is blue and I can hardly wait for the blue ribbons.

I didn't want to post a photo of my Lily of the Valley because I got a couple marks on my material from my clamp on magnifier. So I have to remove the marks before I take a photo.

My car work cost a lot! But it was worth it for all the work they did. I want to get my car in good order for when I retire soon.

Hot in Seattle

2006-07-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

I brought my car into the shop for a tune-up and to gets some parts replaced. So I am without transportation until tomorrow. I worked on my Lily of the Valley with the fan blowing hot air around. Envy you Von. Ahhh AC!! I watched some old movies of Judy Garland. Now I will be haunted by her songs for awhile.

Almost done with Lily of the Valley

2006-07-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

I have just a couple bands left to the Lily of the Valley Sampler and then I am done! I will post a photo as soon as I am done. It has been fun stitching those pretty flowers.

I've already started Martina Weber's Chatelaine - Christmas Crystals. I wanted something small and what better time to work on snow flakes than on these hot days. I can pretend it's cooler. Here's a photo - it doesn't really do it justice. I started at work for my break times. It helps me settle down and find a comfort zone at work.

Ahhh, the quiet

2006-06-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

It was one year ago this month (June 2005) that I was being blasted by my neighbor. It took one year but now they are gone. They have moved on to bug other people and left me peace and quiet. Those huge speakers, amplifiers and surround sound are gone!! My friends say, "What if the new neighbor is noisey?" I tell them that there couldn't be another neighbor as obnoxious as them. I think I know what did it. They were fighting a lot before they moved. I think they split up (unmarried).

I have been working on my new project: Lily of the Valley by Drawn Thread.

Finished my Perennial Border

2006-06-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

I finished! Time for a happy dance. It was such fun! I love working with WDW thread. The colors are stunning. On to my next project!

Cross Stitching is my saving grace

2006-06-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

I'm still here -- are you still there? I can't help but wonder if anyone is interested in reading my blog after being away for so long. I just couldn't post for awhile what with all that was happening in my life. Then things got pretty hectic at work. I almost walked out twice in the past month. Ever been put in a situation in your life where you know that you're heading in a particular direction and you're not ready for it? You keep wishing you could put the brakes on. It's more like being in an elevator that's crashing and there aren't any brakes. What with work and my mother and my living arrangements. I didn't want to move because I didn't want to put my aging cat through it and look what happened! I didn't want to sell my condo with a noisey neighbor next door and guess what? My neighbor has unexpectedly moved out!! Now my mother is getting worse and my job is hell. I am being pushed into a new life and I'm not ready to move on.

But my saving grace has been my cross stitch! Isn't that what saves us all?!!! You have the world falling apart around you but you have this oasis of peace and serenity in an easy chair and a good lamp. I have almost finished Perennial Border. I will post a picture as soon as I am done.

For all those who have stuck by me THANK YOU!

Back to work

2006-05-12T14:23:00.000-07:00

I came to work today, didn't want to lose my job. My boss is not very sympathetic about losing a cat, or as Meari put it my "fur baby". Yes she was my fur baby. Looking backward, I see she was saying goodbye last week. She climbed in bed with me and laid by me, something she never does. She purred so loud she kept me awake. She didn't stay all night. I feel very sad and depressed so I may not write for awhile.

Thank you for your condolences and "Happy Mother's Day to all".

My Shelly is gone

2006-05-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

This morning Shelly was looking for places to hide. She started making a weak cry, so I knew it was time. I held her for a long time and talked to her about her life and how happy she made me and she purred. I took her to the vet. Putting her to sleep wasn't as hard as I thought. I cried all the way to the vet because I felt like such a traitor. I imagine everyone feels guilty doing that. I held her while they injected her and petted her and as weak as she was she looked at me and purred as she went limp as to say thank you for the release. I have entrusted her to my departed grandmother who liked cats to take care of her on the other side. It may sound strange but I believe when you teach a pet to love that much, that love does not die. I took Shelly out to the country to my stepmother's house and we buried her in her favorite blanket under the apple tree and put lilacs on her grave.

Thank all of you who offer your solace. She will be missed.

My Shelly is leaving

2006-05-10T23:25:00.000-07:00

I have a cat named Shelly. She is 17 years old. I got her when my daughters moved out on their own. I was lonely and needed the companionship desperately. She's a
mellow loving cat. Never whines for food, always greets me at the door when I get home from work. She stopped eating a couple days ago. I would put her food in her dish and she would take a couple licks and then go sit at my feet and ask for love by sitting quietly waiting for her petting. She lost weight fast. I took her to the vet yesterday and found out that she had cancer. Two large tumors by her kidneys. As the vet examined her, she purred real loud but so limp and weak. I was offered chemotherapy. I told the vet that I couldn't put her through the misery of chemo when she doesn't have much life left. The vet gave her a shot of prednesone (steroid) that would reduce the inflamation and maybe the urge to drink and eat. She has drank very little water, maybe a few tablespoons and does not want to eat even tempting tuna. She has laid in her bed all day today. I pet her, hold her limp body sometimes and tell her how good she is. I don't know when she will die, it must be soon because her paws are getting cold and but her breathing is still strong. I won't let her suffer. If she doesn't pass away tonight in her sleep, I will take her to the vet and have her put to sleep. It is so painful to watch her go, I have gone through a box of kleenex crying.

Marjolein Bastin

2006-05-06T02:20:00.000-07:00

I been focusing in on one project. And it's a big project! It's Marjolein Bastin's Spring in the Garden. I like the print and I'm following it faithfully but I don't like all the green. If the strainer bowl that holds the flowers in the center of the picture was another color but green, I feel it would look better but I wasn't in the mood for the conversion. I'm working from the center and almost have the bowl of flowers done. I was in the mood for flowers - so here I go.

I have been feeling very sad. My daughters have cut off all contact with me. Mother's Day is coming and I know it will be no different from any other day. But my saving grace is a friend at work - who is my best friend is taking me out to dinner and a show with HER mother! She is such an angel. She is always so good to me.

I'm Still Here

2006-04-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

This is a Lily project stitched with tapestry wool and silk! Even the box is stunning!! Love it Love it Love it I got my Dimensional Embroidery book yesterday and fell in love with a couple projects. Will I ever have time to stitch them? - read on.

You maybe wonder what happened to me. What happened to my Easter project, the bunnies and carrots? I feel really bad about that. I wanted to get them done for Easter. I had all the supplies kitted up and I was excited.

But then my stepmother needed my attention and all else was put away. Sadly.

She is 86 - born in 1920. She has good health although somewhat anemic. I don't think she eats well or often enough. Skinny and cold all the time. I realized that she has an attention span of about 2 minutes and then all is forgotten.

I spent Monday and Tuesday evening going to bed early in recovery of what I did over the weekend. She wanted her carpeting shampooed. She lives out in the country and the carpet was dirty. So I brought my rug shampooer out to her place and shampooed her carpet 3 times to get it clean. Then I cleaned the two sofas' upholstry and washed a load of clothes, made lunch and dinner and took her shopping for groceries.

The poor dear. I was the only one to bring her an Easter lily and wish her happy Easter. I know because I was there. I told her that I would come again and clean her windows, do laundry and take her shopping again next month. Her sister brings her food each week but she needs to get out and about. I know that eventually here I will have to sell my condo and move in with her to take care of her. It is such a conflict.