Getting Better

I want to thank all those generous hearts who have encouraged me through this time. It strengthens my belief that there are good souls in the world. I have taken my antidepressant pills for 2 days now. I know it's still early but I can feel a difference. My counselor says it's because I am actively doing something about my life to make it better. Just taking action can improve things dramatically. The pills I am on are calming. Makes me wish I had taken them earlier rather than tough it out. It's like those who don't take a painkiller and try to tough it out. You heal faster when you're not expending energy to fight pain, physical or psychological. I just hope my boss can lay off harrassing me enough to give it time to work. He took the day off yesterday to go the the state fair. It was a blessing.

In a couple days, Seattle will be displaying the Dead Sea Scrolls! I can hardly wait. They will be here until Jan 7 so I plan to read up on it before hand.

Things are getting better

I have been seeing my counselor once a week. Have any of you experienced an emotional drain after seeing a counselor? I know this is supposed to be good for me but after I have seen my counselor, that evening I feel so sad and drained. This last time I felt I couldn't return to work and wanted to withdraw - hide some place and comfort myself. But I forced myself to go back to work and that was a mistake. I was so drained that the next day I was exhausted. Someone stopped me in my condo parking lot while I was walking to the bus stop in the morning. This woman in a car stopped and asked me if I was alright. She said I looked so tired. She wanted to give me a ride to where ever I was going. When I told her where I worked, she backed down and said she wasn't going THAT far. My girl friend at work wanted me to come over Saturday, I had to beg off, I was too tired. This morning, I called into work and said that I wasn't coming in today. I wasn't asked a reason. Tomorrow I go to see the doctor who will put me on antidepressants. All these appts away from work is probably making my boss mad but it has to be done.

Such good friends

My, there are such good friends on the blogs!! Such encouragement and good cheer! Thank you - all of you for the birthday greetings.

My girl friend and her mother took me out for lunch from work. They also gave me a bouquet of roses! It made the day special for me.

My daughters did not acknowledge my birthday. All those special parties I made for them as they grew up! I made sure their birthday was special for them.

Thank You

It is so wonderful that there are people out there that care and said very kind encouraging words. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. My doctor asked me if I could paint a picture of my depression what it feels like.

I told her it is like being in the bottom of a dark well and looking at a small circle of light so far away. Feeling totally helpless to help yourself in this dark small world and cut off from all who love you.

It is my birthday on Friday. Last year I felt hopeful as one of my twin daughters had asked me out for dinner for my birthday. After I waited a half hour past the time she was supposed to come to my place, she called me to tell me that she couldn't make it because she had to take back a pair of shoes and couldn't do that and take me out in the same night as it would be too late to get back to the kids. Since they ignored me at Christmas and Mother's Day since then, I don't expect anything is going to happen this year.

First Day

I realized when I couldn't cross stitch, that I was depressed. I have found that you can't fight depression. You can only hide from the world what you are feeling. You paste a smile on your face and hope that the people around you think you're okay. When the stress of a falling out with loved ones or an unhappy situation at the workplace takes place, you find that you can't "keep all your ducks in a row" or for those unfamiliar with that saying; you find you can't keep your world stable. You find that getting out of bed each morning is a HUGE effort and going through the same routine is so boring without any sunshine. You lose your taste for life. I can see how some depressed individuals stop eating and crawl in a hole. So I went to a therapist! She told me that I was clinically depressed and that I need to keep working so that I don't withdraw. She is right. My friends at work force me to smile and relate to them. I'm going to see a movie tomorrow with my best friend. I haven't told her that I am depressed but she knows that something is not right with me. Next week I am going to see a doctor to get medically assessed for antidepressants. Yes, I know some people don't think pills are the answer, but they help you while your body using serotonin properly. I know it is an inherited syndrome and my brother, sister and father suffer from depression off and on. The way the doctors explain it is - it is like a low immunity system and you get a fever when exposed to viruses. When you body has a low function serotonin system, you get depressed when exposed to emotionally stressful events. Hey, why not, I have a low insulin system. So another system goes on the brink.